“ When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. ”

“The next time you feel you are a prisoner to your phone just remember,
they call it a “cell phone” for a reason. ”

“When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.”

“I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.”

“If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?””

“If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?””

“If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?””

“If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?””

“If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?””

“When you ask me what I am doing today and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.”

“When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?” ”

“When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? ”

“I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and I get really excited.”

“My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.”

“The next time you feel you are a prisoner to your phone just remember, they call it a “cell phone” for a reason.”

“Did you know there are more airplanes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky?”

“I kid-proofed my house but the kids still get in.”

“If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive.”

“Being weird is merely a side-effect of being awesome.
”

“a counterfeit bill walks up to a genuine bill and says, “Let’s not focus on our differences.””

“Patience: What parents have when witnesses are present.”

“How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.”

“What is the main reason for divorce?
—-marriage”

“If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? —-Very large hands!!
”

“Time was created to keep everything from happening at once.”

“The next time you feel you are a prisoner to your phone just remember, they call it a “cell phone” for a reason. ”

““Do Not Touch” must be terrifying to read in Braille.”

“If you can’t afford seminary, pick a fight with a Calvinist and get lectures for free.”

“Of course I’m an organ donor. Who wouldn’t want a piece of this?!”

“Your faithfulness does not contribute towards your salvation. It only gives evidence of it. If you believe otherwise, you either do not understand the gravity of your own sin or the depths of the riches of Christ’s grace.”

“Once you lick the frosting off the cupcake, it becomes a muffin. And muffins are hearlthy!!”

“Honestly, it’s not my looks that reveals my age. It’s my use of complete sentences when I text.”

“Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? —- At the bottom of the page.”

“If you throw a blue stone into the red sea, what will it become? —-Wet”

“No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationary.”